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A Relationship with Anger



Reciprocity: The true meaning of reciprocity is the quality or state of being reciprocal: mutual dependence, action, or influence. In relationships, reciprocity often looks like supporting one another in different situations. For example, you might comfort your partner when something doesn't go their way. In return, they will provide comfort and support when you are having a bad day.


I had a dream one night of me holding the hand of my five-year-old self. We were shown through a series of vignettes of times we were mistreated by those around us who were supposed to love and be there for us. It was the times of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse along with unsupported counterparts. It was no wonder I had a long-time relationship with anger and how many times I resisted and tried to let go of my anger.


I realized from my dream that my anger was a healthy response to not being treated lovingly. No matter how supportive and loving I was to those around me, it was not reciprocated on many occasions.


What was true for me was letting go of those who didn't treat me the way I treated them. Reciprocity is what I needed to learn and unlearn the doormat syndrome. All feelings are warranted, even when they are difficult to feel. For many years, I was stuck in 'positive thoughts and feelings only,' reframing any so-called negative thoughts and feelings. (Toxic Positivity/Bypassing) This makes those unprocessed emotions stronger and more present, underlining everything you do just below the surface. And it can be reinforced by those who are not supportive when you express your less-than-positive feelings.


This has been my experience throughout my life- as long as I behaved positively, I was accepted and validated even though I was accepting and supportive of others no matter what they were going through. I was supportive because it was what I craved and wanted in return for anything I was going through.


My crossed boundaries caused my anger; it was coming up to show me where I wasn't honoring myself. Allowing others to treat me in a way that is less than how I treated them was not loving to myself. It is self-abandonment, self-sacrificing, and people-pleasing (A trauma response).


All healing and transformation takes place by learning and understanding what your feelings are trying to tell you and teaching how you relate to yourself, others, and the world around you. They are clues to your self-realization. True transformation happens when you address all aspects of your humanness that show up through your thoughts, feelings, and emotions—accepting and asking yourself powerful questions to know the truth of any thought, feeling, or emotion, especially those less than positive ones.


Journal Prompts: What is this thought/feeling/emotion revealing for me? What do I need to understand? Show me clarity on my thoughts/feelings/emotions are telling me.


**Anyone less than supportive of you is likely not supportive of themselves. And incapable of supporting others. It has more to do with them than it does with you. Your role is to be lovingly supportive of yourself and learn who you are and who you are not as you relate to yourself, others, and the world around you.










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2 Comments


Patrice Zinck
Patrice Zinck
Sep 26, 2023

Wow, a deep and powerful realization. Awesome.

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Lisa Santa Barbara
Lisa Santa Barbara
Oct 03, 2023
Replying to

Thank you! I'm glad to hear it was a powerful realization for you.

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